the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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