I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
