God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize