ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
