My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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