it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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