She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
