I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
