I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
