remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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