I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i black out too much to be "responsible"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
