everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
