You can't special order awesome
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Woke up backwards on a recliner
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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