I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
