can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
