I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have feelings that need drinking.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
