dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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