You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
