It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
