ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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