To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
