Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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