I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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