When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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