I just pynch a tree in the face
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
