I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
