happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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