he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize