The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
