Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
