I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize