Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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