Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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