You don't have asthma, your pregnant
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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