i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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