Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
