I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Randomize
