I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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