dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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