I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
