I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
