I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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