from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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