The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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