I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
