Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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