I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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