After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize