the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We left the knife in your bed.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
