Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Randomize
