i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
