If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
