A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
