I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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