You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
