you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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